


A Somber Day

by Cawerkuu



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Caring, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Comfort, Family Feels, Homophobia, Hurt Dan Howell, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Rejection, Sneaking Around, Worried Phil Lester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-03-07 18:05:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18878449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cawerkuu/pseuds/Cawerkuu
Summary: Dan has been a bit off lately and won't tell Phil why. Despite not being a pushy Phil, he can't take it and tries to find out for himself.





	A Somber Day

There was something wrong with Dan, Phil was sure of it. After all, he had been dating his best friend and practically soulmate for a decade now! In fact, their mutual friends, Dan's family, and the fans often rushed to Phil to ask if everything was okay and if they could get ahold of Dan since they couldn't.

Phil was always the one calming Dan down, he understood why. Usually, Dan would lock himself in his room to try and wait it out and Phil would have to force him to eat and try to maintain a decent sleep schedule so he would feel up for it when his depressive episode would pass. Some times, Dan came to Phil right away to cuddle when he wasn't feeling his best (it was rare for him to do so though).

But Dan wasn't doing any of that. He wasn't locking himself away in the dark room only accompanied by the glow of his laptop and phone. He wasn't pressed against Phil's side and mumbling lies about himself that Phil would have to recorrect either.

He was just...off.

He seemed fine, maybe a little sadder than usual to the casual person. He was smiling, laughing as usual at Phil's corny jokes and embarrassing statements in videos like he always does. He had that big grin that Phil adored on his face but that was for videos and they always put up a persona for videos, just like any other YouTubers.

But it was outside of the videos that alerted Phil something might be wrong. Dan was still laughing and smiling, there was no doubt of that.

But there would be these few small moments that Phil noticed. Whenever Dan was looking at a electronic like his phone or his laptop or heck, even the TV, he would began to loosen his cheeks and smile somberly. His hard coffee colored eyes would soften at the sight of something all these things had in common apparently and the screen's reflections and glows would cause little dots to glimmer in the dark brown pools of his eyes.

It was like he was staring at a photo of someone he missed, who he yearned to see again as if this person had died or was too far away to contact again so all he could do was simply miss them. But this wasn't a photo of someone in particular who Dan missed, not at all.

To be honest, Phil was at a loss for words. He couldn't piece together what was wrong. What were these devices showing him that tug at Dan's heart? On a rare occasion, it almost looked like Dan was about to cry because of whatever was making him stir inside.

'What is it?' Phil pouted, sat at his desk, editing another video. 'He would usually tell me by now. Why hasn't he told me yet?'

Phil wasn't a pushy person contrast to his bubbly and pressuring nature on camera. That was for work and they were always playing some type of video game so it was fine to yell at Dan to hurry up and go to the other side of the map so they could get a good score on a level or when they were playing some game that was a Dan Vs Phil. It was a competitive land of videos so naturally he was pushy because he didn't want to lose to Dan.

But in real life? He would never try to push someone into telling him what's wrong right away. If they broke down when he asked what's wrong, he would rush to their aid and gently rub his hand up and down their back soothingly. He would let them know it was okay to not tell him and that he could wait until they were ready to tell him. He didn't want people to force him to say anything so why be a hypocrite about it?

But he was becoming a bit agitated.

"Dan, what's wrong?" Phil gently asked, now sat next to his boyfriend who was just clicking through meaningless channels on the TV. He reached over and gently placed a hand on Dan's shoulder, rubbing his thumb in a circular motion to try and fizz out the nerves.

"Huh?" Dan stopped clicking harshly on the remote, drawing his stretched out arm back to a comfortable position on the arm of the couch. "What do you mean?"

"Well, something _is_ wrong. I know that much." Phil said, narrowing his eyes at his boyfriend who still stared up at Phil with a confused and innocent gaze. "Just, please tell me. Maybe I can help you."

"I literally have no idea what you're talking about, Phil." Dan rolled his eyes and went back to flicking through channels to try and find something interesting to watch.

" _Dan,_ " Phil whined, reaching over and grabbing onto his upper arm. He glared at the boy who just stared forward at the TV. "Please, just tell me. Is it me? Did something happen with PJ or Chris or Tyler or-"

"Stop, Phil." Dan groaned, throwing his head back against the couch. "Nothing's really wrong, maybe it's just old age hitting you fast."

Normally, this is when Phil would stop and just assure Dan that everything would be okay and whenever he needed to talk, Phil would be there even if it was at the crack at dawn. But he couldn't stop. He couldn't bear the idea of Dan holding something in that was eating him alive from the inside out.

Okay, maybe that was a bit of an hyperbole but he didn't care right now. His mind was focused on Dan, not logical metaphors.

"Dan, _please_ just tell me." Phil begged at this point, he was just desperate to know what was hurting Dan. Maybe he could help with it if that was the case.

" _Phil,_ " Dan glared, ignoring whatever channel the television was on now. It was juat white noise at this point with Phil's constant insistence. "Nothing is wrong, trust me on this."

"I can't!" Phil blurted, immediately he began to regret it considering he was suppose to be the mature and wiser one than Dan and yet the table seemed to be switched. "Something's wrong Dan, I know it is!"

"Why can't you believe me?" Dan growled, tossing the remote to the side of the couch and now staring directly at Phil with a knitted brow.

"Because you won't trust me!" Phil gripped on Dan's arm, maybe a little too tight since how Dan slightly flinched. "What is it? Did you have a fight with a friend? Or maybe you lashed out on someone you didn't mean to? Did something happen with your family?"

He stiffened.

Dan stiffened at that last one.

'Aha!' Phil cheered in his head, finally grabbing some sort of indication of what was wrong with no help from Dan. He scooted closer to Dan, smiling softly at Dan this time around and relaxing the tension in his limbs.

"Dan, it's okay. Whatever happened with your family is in the past." Phil released Dan's arm and reached over for Dan's hand that was splayed out on his thigh and intertwined their fingers together. He looked over at the still stiff man and frowned, maybe he wasn't being reassuring enough? "It'll be okay, I'm here with you and I know whatever happen, you didn't want to happen. I know your family, Dan. They aren't really supportive of your job choice but they do love you, no matter what happens. I'm sure of that, trust in me with that statement."

"That's not..." Dan released a shudder, his grip tightening quickly on Phil's fingers. Phil watched as Dan squeezed his eyes tight and gnawed at his lip, as if he was fighting with some beast inside him on whether he wanted to tell Phil or not.

"Hey, hey," Phil reached over and wrapped his arm around Dan, drawing him closer to Phil. "It's okay, everything is okay. You're alright, I'm right here. Just breathe for me, alright? Can you do that, just for little old me?"

"You're far from little." Dan chuckled breathlessly.

"Hey, I'm shorter than you because you and your stupid height thing!" Phil whined.

"Not my fault my body decides to add a few more inches on me, Phil." Dan rolled his eyes, leaning forward and pressing his head into Phil's chest.

"Yes, it is." Phil giggled, threading his fingers into Dan's mess of curly golden brown locks that glow thanks to the light above them shining so brightly against them. "It's _your_ body."

* * *

 

He still didn't get his answer as Dan fell asleep on him soon after although he tried to protest ("You need a decent sleep schedule!" "Shut up and let me cuddle you.") So he decided he was about to go where no one had gone before.

Dan's browsing history, on _both_ his phone and computer.

It was a brave task to do indeed. He knew it meant he might be caught by Dan but maybe it was worth it. Dan had just fallen asleep afterall and Phil put him in the comfort of his own room, leaving Dan's phone and laptop unsupervised by no one but Phil.

Maybe this was a breach of privacy but he decided it was for the better good.

"Okay, Dan's browsing history here we go!" Phil yelled quietly and click on the 'History' tab. He only found what he expected, a bunch of times he posted something on tumblr or a link that he clicked on tumblr or just tumblr related basically. On brand for sure. But nothing that would acquire why he was acting differently and hiding what was wrong. He scrolled down, it was just a mix of Youtube videos from friends and Wikipedia articles. He really needed to stop reading that at three in the morning.

"Computer was a waste of time," He groaned, a litrle agitated he wasted precious time on that. Dan could wake up at any moment and that scared him since he didn't want Dan to be mad at him for snooping, although he certianly had a right too. He leaned over the side of the coffee table, peeping into the hallway where their bedrooms would be located at and saw nor heard any indication of Dan being awake or getting up. "Please, give me something."

It was a waste of time. Phil forget the phone and the computer were connected with their history because it was under the same account. He slapped himself in the face for that one.

"This wasn't helpful." Phil groaned again, feeling like a dirty jerk for going through his stuff without permission only to find any reason for Dan to act strangely. He stood up with both devices and brought them into Dan's room for him to plug them up.

"Nngh," Dan had made a little grumble in his sleep when he rolled over startling Phil a little.

"Oh jesus, you nearly gave me a heart attack." Phil panted with a hand over his ever fast beating heart.

But Dan was mostly silent from then on as Phil plugged them up. He stood up and looked around and noticed a paper and a ripped envelope on Dan's desk.

'Did he seriously forget to file something?' Phil questioned, rolling his eyes at the hypocrisy that Dan was always getting on him for being unorganized mess. He shook his head and walked over there nonetheless so he could file it for him.

But it wasn't a paper you file. It wasn't a paper Phil expected at all. It was something much more personal than that which he should have been notified of by Dan.

Of course, he had to read who it was from and what it is said for him to file it correctly otherwise a hissy fit would arrive from Dan and he couldn't have that at the crack of dawn. But this definitely wasn't something he was suppose to file given the content on the paper.

_We regret to inform you with all great consideration given your occupation status, relationship status, and living status that we do not see you as a suitable future temporary foster parent and especially not a guardian for any childern open for adoption. We're sorry to disappoint of such a thing, Mr. Howell. It isn't legal in England yet for a same-sex couple to be able to adopt and your occupation as a "YouTuber" doesn't offer an assurance of money amount for sure without a reasonable doubt each month. We cannot forget your living status either, sir. As a YouTuber, you often travel for events out of the country such as VidCon and you are in a middle of a second world tour and we cannot find ourselves happy with the arrangement that a child may be left alone without a proper guardian watching over them carefully to make sure they are not causing harm to themselves or others and caring for them to make sure they are healthy and happy. Along with that, your current living conditions do not accommodate a child's living space._

_In short, we appericate your consideration and eagerness to help offer a home to a child in need but we must regret your application has been rejected due to circumstances and factors provide above. Thank you for continuous patience, Mr. Howell. Do send our regards to Mr. Lester._

_Sincerely, The Head Of The British Orphanage._

"Oh my god," Phil felt tears well up in his ears, fingers splayed over his mouth. Of course he wanted a child as well, he was getting in his years as well but he just assumed that maybe Dan didn't want or rather couldn't handle thw responsibility of handling a child. It was either that or that they would be rejected in such a way similar to this.

Dan didn't flinch because he fought with his family. He flinched at _family_ because it must have reminded him of what he was being denied by their country. Those YouTube videos from their friends? A majority of those videos had been Lousie's video who actually has a family and whose child they have held and cooed at before in a video.

"Oh, Dan." Phil felt his heart tug and he placed the paper back down where he found it. He wiped the tears from his eyes and crawled into bed with Dan instead, pulling the boy flush against him.

* * *

 

Dan opened his eyes confused. When had he gotten in his bed? He felt someone against him and quickly opened his eyes to find that it was Phil.

'Oh,' He immediately relaxed and smiled, knowing Phil probably brought him in here after he fell asleep on him. But he grew tense, remembering what had happened before. Phil's curious and pushy questions tugging at his heart strings in a way he yearned for it to stop.

He didn't want to tell Phil. How was he suppose to tell Phil? "Hey, I appiled us to be foster parents, isn't that cool? Also I let this lady come from Child Services to see if our places was okay for a kid while you were away, hope that was alright?" Yeah, right. No way in hell could he admit that but he knew he would have to one way or another.

Dan sighed and resigned himself to his face. He just wanted a kid, was that so hard to ask? He just wanted a family, a place of love and care that would make him all fuzzy inside that made him want to barf at all the fluffiness. He sneaked himself out of Phil's lankly arms and slithered out of the duvet to throw his legs over the side of his bed. He got up and stretched, ready to head to the living room and go plug up his phone when he saw it laying with his computer on his desk.

Next to the rejection letter.

'Oh my god, he had to have seen it!' Dan's heart raced at the every thought of it, his gaze flickering quickly back and forth from Phil sleeping soundlessly on his bed to where the letter was laid out for anyone to pick up and read it. 'Oh no, oh no, oh no, he's probably mad. What do I do??'

Now, he had gotten over most of his teenager tendencies across the years but one thing that never failed was his ability to overthink everything and send himself into an anxiety and stress overdrive. That's why he was like how he was now. He groaned loudly, plopping back down onto the bed and putting his face in his hands.

What was he to do now that Phil knew?

"Dan?" A groggy and scratchy voice that usually sent shivers of pleasure down Dan's spine was now sending shudders of fear instead. He gulped and found his fingers gripping into the fabric of his pants from the day before. He slowly turned to face Phil, hearing his heart beat louder than ever and his blood go cold.

"Y-yes?" He stuttered. God damn it, why did he suck at this?

"Is everything okay?" Phil said, rubbing his eyes sleepily and reached over, wrapping his arms around Dan's shoulders.

"...you know," Dan muttered, looking down at his lap. "Don't you?"

It took a moment for Phil to register what he was talking about but he finally found his grip to reality through the exhaustion. "Yeah, I do."

"Do you hate me now?"

"No."

"Well, you should." Dan muttered, reaching up and gripping Phil's forearm.

"Why should I hate you? We both want the same thing silly, a family and we can't be at blame for that." Phil said wisely. "It's what most people want."

"But I didn't tell you." Dan tried to reason.

"I'm sure you have your reasons as to why, Dan. Everyone does." Phil whispered, leaning forward and kissing his boyfriend's cheek.

"But aren't you disappointed now?" Dan said. "We can't have a family."

"Same-sex people can't adopt, Dan." Phil chuckled in his ear, the hot breath against his neck making hin shiver a little. "But that doesn't mean we can't have a child of our own."

"Phil,"

"Hmm?"

"Two dicks can't procreate." Phil laughed loudly in his ear at that one.

"I know that silly," Phil said, he was wearing a smile for sure. He usually was smiling, that's one of the reason Dan adores him so. "But surrogates exist. We just pay them to have one of our babies."

"Oh," Dan muttered. "Do you wanna after the tour?"

"How could I dare say no?"


End file.
